Shifting the Power Struggle
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The giraffe, the land-animal with the largest heart, is a symbol of compassion and broader perspective in Nonviolent Communication
One thing I love about Compassionate/Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is the way it can help build bridges between folks who are leagues apart. It has given me tools to access both confidence and compassion (at the same time!) for almost 20 years. Here’s an example, with needs noted in bold.
I once sat with a group of folks who were in service to a cause (not naming here whether it was in work or volunteering — truly, this sort of thing happens all the time). The president was rankled. He stood up and barked that if we didn’t like his view of things, we could very well take a hike. And he told the vice-president she’d done a terrible job of pulling together details for the upcoming event. Her face grew pale, then red, as her hands clenched around her paperwork.
I knew the president had other businesses as well and was accustomed to having his instructions followed immediately. I raised my hand and was called on. “It sounds like you want to know that we understand the importance of this event and our roles in it, is that right?”
“Yes!” he said gruffly.
“And you want the people who attend it to enjoy their experience — you want it to be well-organized [order], safe, and fun for everyone?”
“That’s right,” he said, his shoulders relaxing a little.
“And you want to know that we can function like a team to make that happen, that we are competent and committed to getting the job done. Is that it?”
“Yes,” he said. “That’s it. Thank you.”
I had used my NVC skills to identify some needs beneath his words: order, fun, safety, teamwork, understanding. I could connect with these needs, even though I didn’t like his strategy to meet them. The president had relaxed visibly now that he felt heard. The tension in the room began to soften.
And now it was my turn.“What I see here is a team of people who are reporting back on having done the jobs they committed to. If there is more work than they have clock-time for, then this is a dilemma we all hold together. A solution that comes from all of us together is going to be more effective than a solution that comes from just one person who may not understand the needs and jobs of everyone here. And in order to do that work harmoniously, I’d love to see us treat one another with the utmost care and respect, so we can all be at our best. How is that for you to hear?” I asked.
The president bowed his head and walked around the room, running his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I can see I was too harsh. You’re right. Stuff is getting done, and it’s just more tasks than what we can manage. I wasn’t very nice,” he said to the secretary. “I’m sorry. And I’d like to start again. Is that ok?” he asked.
How is it for you to read this, dear reader? Have you experienced yourself in such a situation when people you cared for were being lambasted? Were you content with your response?