The Talk I Will Never Forget
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“I don’t mean to scare you,” says Seda. “But I don’t think it will benefit either of us to be unprepared. I want to be ready if there’s ever a midnight knock at the door.”
We top the hill with Leo in stride, both of us looking out over our town.
“It seemed ... overdramatic ... to think of such a thing,” I say, staring at the sidewalk. “I couldn’t picture the people around here standing for it. Our friends and neighbors. But when you say, ‘a midnight knock at the door,’ it seems not impossible. Because it wouldn’t be our friends at the door.”
“No,” says Seda. “It would be federal agents.”
I swallow. “I don’t want to think about this all the time,” I tell her quietly. “This is a talk for right now because we haven’t had it before. I hope such a thing will never come to pass.”
Seda nods.
I have spent the past months focusing on joy and helping people find wellness and choice. I avoid living in fear because I want to conserve my energy for what matters. I may need it later to think on my feet.
“I just want you to know,” says Seda, “I love you very much. Whatever happens, I plan to remain in my power. I plan to walk with God. And I plan to keep my joy.” I loop my arm around her back, and she slides an arm behind mine.
“I love you so much,” I say. We walk on, pulling each other close.
It’s an odd talk for a Sunday afternoon. I wouldn’t have brought it up if our president hadn’t faulted Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion for an aircraft collision. Our national leader cast that stone before the evidence was in. How many will follow him in blaming “our type” for death and destruction?
This past week, President Trump also banned transgender people from the military, “claiming physical and mental health conditions make them ‘incompatible’ with military service” (Washington Post, 1/28/25).
And so it is that after thirty years of marriage, my transgender spouse, a former Marine, and I are finally having the talk.
Tears slide down my cheeks. I stop seeing the people around us on their daily errands. I turn and hug Seda on the street. I have loved her since I was eighteen. Such good fortune. She hugs me back hard. Leo sandwiches his head between our legs. We look into each others' eyes. I cry harder.
After a while, I pull away. “The knock at the door would be an easy way out,” I say. “No decisions to make. The real challenge would be if our neighbors got the knock. It’s knowing when to stand, who to stand for, and how to stand in your integrity.”
“That’s why it’s important to not go numb or get tired,” she says. “I want to be awake, and I want to think clearly. The people at the door would still be just people. Sons and daughters, maybe mothers and fathers. They would be doing their jobs. I don’t want to hurt them either.”
“Clarity,” I say. “We can prime for that.”
She smiles. “We can.”
“A lot is happening,” says Seda. “But I will not give in to worry. I will live my life with integrity and joy, no matter what happens. That is mine.”
“I feel the same,” I say. “And I will live that out loud.”
So here we are, your friends and neighbors. We don’t mean to worry you. We share our story because you may not hear it in the news. Intimate talks before dinner can slip through the cracks. We are not hateful, and we don’t aim to inspire that in you either.
We hope you’ll claim us as your own, a friend and neighbor. No matter how you voted. I mean that. Talk about us with your friends and family … the joy coach and the house designer, platonic life partners with grown kids. We all contribute. We’ve been “out” for decades to help folks understand that transgender people are just people.
Seda and I field personal questions to help lighten the load for those who are struggling. Feel free to ask us about our experience. You have our permission. We feel grateful to the transgender people who decades before us paved the path. We are privileged in many ways. This is how we give back.
Seda and I feel better after having that talk before dinner. It’s been on the back burner for too long. We had hoped we could skip it. But now it’s out in the open, and there’s relief in that. Even if we rarely return to the topic.
We hope you feel better after seeing how joy can go to work in the darkest of hours. We're grateful for your reading and sharing of this if you feel moved to. If you find it on Social Media, your likes make a difference. Let peace begin with us.