Perennial Friendships

This is an excerpt from the weekly News-Loveletter. If you would like it sent to your inbox directly (with all the other juicy bits, including a mini joy practice), you can add yourself to my mailing list here.

Trinidad cooked spaghetti and meatballs for us last week.

“I’m wondering if we could meet up and talk about your living arrangement,” said Marita. “My husband and I want to share our home or property post-romantic partnership, and there aren’t a lot of people doing that. We don’t want to use more resources by having separate homes. That would break the bank and make it so we couldn’t retire ‘til age eighty.”

I get it. When Seda and I were faced with making decisions about staying together or separating nearly twenty years ago as she transitioned, we wrestled with all this and more. Our kids were young then. We supported our household on Seda’s income and my urban farming, gleaning, and work with Nonviolent Communication. We lived on a proverbial shoestring, so I could homeschool the kids.

I am so grateful for that path now. Following years of uncomfortable indecision, we committed to building Seda’s wing with a small bedroom, office, and bathroom. This arrangement offered shared space for family and separate space for Seda and I to explore other romantic relationships, now that ours was kaput. (If you want the full story, I’ll sign and ship you a copy of my memoir if you hit reply and buy it from me directly.) Interesting times.

We built the wing ourselves with the help of community. Seda drew up the plans, with a raccoon pictured under the deck. Our nearest and dearest came to help level the earth, pour foundation, and the raise the walls. We hired out bits, but mostly, it was a home-raising with family and friends.

Our choice continues to make sense financially. In a world where it’s getting easier to consciously uncouple and harder to afford a home, I wouldn’t be surprised to see more folks choosing this path. It was easier for us, yes, because our sexual/romantic attraction had faded with the gender transition. But still, our path is an anomaly.

Dollars aside, what is the value of sharing a kitchen and dining area, the space where life unfolds, with our children? Despite bumps along the way, our kids sat down to family meals daily. They learned to cook and clean together in family. And now, when they return to our kitchen to prepare food, as Trin did in the photo above, they come to one house rather than two, to serve us both.

But the sweetest thing? Seda and I still have each other just within arm’s reach. Folks who commit to loving one another and working it out in the same dwelling across decades experience the most amazing things. Last night, I was sharing with Seda my experience with friend crushes. “I have a friend crush on you,” Seda said. “But wait — can it be a crush if I’ve had it for over thirty years?” Sweetest. Thing. Ever.

When have you acted “outside the box” to grow a special friendship? Are you enjoying the benefits over time?